Measured

I consider myself a fairly confident woman. I have worked hard to accept myself. Worked harder to love myself. And I walk pretty tall.

I have hips & curves. Smooth lines and bumps. I have stretch marks but blemish free skin too. I have a round belly but hips that match.

Thing is...sometimes I can still forget all of that. Some days I forget myself and fall back into old habits. Usually, something that can be referred to as a trigger will send me into these negative spirals. Today it was a fashion trigger. Today I was measured.

Knowing your measurements is pretty much mandatory if you want to order clothing online. You can think you know your size but each company seems to have their own opinion on what equates a 0 or a 2X, so check their size charts to your measurements and you should be able to order yourself a great fitting item. However taking my measurements this morning to double check before ordering a magnificent dress triggered all sorts of shaming feelings towards my size.

I definitely don't want to use this as a forum to talk about those negative feelings but simply just acknowledge that it happened.  It will happen again. It happens to all of us.
Somehow this is part of our contemporary lives.
For me it is body shamming, but for someone else it could be a different physical feature, a personality characteristic, a work related habit...

Right now the most important thing is for me to recognize that it was a moment and that it will pass. In the end I can like myself once again & remember all the things I am proud of & enjoy when I see myself. Even just writing this post & knowing that at least a few of you will know exactly what I mean, encourages the moment to fade.

Full of... Courage?

Lately I've been wondering - how much is enough?

How much confidence is enough? Do I just need a little more... or a lot?
There are body acceptance movements, of varying types that I have been exploring mostly as a voyeur thus far.

Blogger & fashionista, Jessica Kane recently had a 'full body shot' campaign, accompanied by a contest to liberate us bigger gals to take a full body photograph of ourselves.  A daunting feat for any self conscious woman, so an interesting concept to tackle with plus sized readers.  The response was  fantastic from both women & retailers with Jessica receiving 1100 entries.  She will be drawing the winner's today.
I love Jessica's blog & have been thinking about this idea of empowering someone to love themselves & physically SHOW the world all there is to love.  Writing a plus size fashion/lifestyle blog has forced me in front of a camera and instead of just the (as my husband calls them) 'myspace portraits' I used to take & use as profile pictures I have to think of myself in a more 4x6 format... full body, outfit pictures.

A typical Emma portrait from back in the MySpace days...

Moving from close up to 'wide format' (ok that pun was totally intentional) takes guts.. bravery... courage! So I must have some, right??

Bah!! Wide Lens!!

But about 10 seconds after a blog post goes up, the self doubt kicks in. So clearly, not THAT brave.
Sometimes the posts don't even go live because once I see the photos on the screen I think 'now THAT was a bad outfit decision'! So clearly, not that much courage.


Another body acceptance movement I stumbled on was, funnily enough (& not at all a coincidence given my choice of wording) on tumblr*.  There are tons of accounts just there to promote beauty of one kind or another... be it very specific, (fuckyeahchubbyfashion or tattooed & chubby ) or just open to positivity (lovethechub or Curvy is the new black ).
I really dig the idea that girls can just go & post a picture of themselves from when they felt fabulous! In fact both my friend Vanessa & I have done it!

Hot Vanessa-ness

Not only is it accessible & easy to have a 'feel good' moment, but your fellow tumblrs are right there, supporting you through it & cheering you on (in the form of reblogs & likes... tumblr lingo but sweet all the same).

This isn't a post with any resolution, or even a glaring insight. It is strictly a post of me rambling about something that has been on my mind a lot lately, something I am trying to examine about myself.  When do you know that you have enough courage? How do you test bravery?

I will keep you up to date if there are any further developments or acts of bavery.

Stay fabulous....

Em


*I should warn you right now that not all of tumblr is safe for work, familiy viewing etc. Anyone can post images & thoughts about whatever they would like. Please use your own discreation.

Guest Blogger: Natalie, Derby Girl

About now, I'm nursing a hangover (boozy & emotional) from my baby brother's wedding in a quaint cottage by the water. So let's skip the prelude & let me tell you how happy I am to introduce you to Natalie! I know Natalie from twitter through a derby connection.  I've decided to not hold it against her that she plays for our Fog City Roller's rival team Capital City Roller's since she seems pretty great.  Natalie also has her own blog so make sure you check that out as well! Without further ado, here's Natalie (Thanks lady!) xo Em



It’s a girl thing…..


My name is Natalie and I am plus-sized. Recently, I‘ve been able to add “proudly” to that sentence. Proudly plus-sized. Sounds so simple, only it isn’t.

I come from a long line of people who’ve struggled with weight and size. I’m sure some of you can relate to coming from “big families”. I am one of those people. I have one of those families. We are those people. Are you? I’ve spent a lifetime, plus a day, reconciling how my jean size could somehow dictate my sense of self and my sense of worth. I am smarter than that. I’ve read everything from the Beauty Myth to Cosmo and I’ve spent far too much time coming up with far too few answers. I’ve said “I’m happy as long as I’m healthy” and wanted desperately to mean it. But truth be told, deep down, I never did.

So many times, I’ve said “I’m done, and I am happy if I stay this size forever”….so many times I have only felt it for a matter of weeks, and sometimes even days. It never stuck. A new dress usually made me feel better for a brief period and a new bra could even squeeze out a few months at times, but it never lasted…until recently.

What has changed? Nothing really…I’m still the same person…I still weigh about the same, give or take, on any given day…. And try as I might, I’ve not won any fabulous sums of money which would allow me to buy a new bra every day of week. What IS new in my life are the people surrounding me. I have joined roller derby…. and suddenly my world has expanded and so has my appreciation of my body.

We joke about it being a cult, or at best, a sisterhood, naysayers have called it a trend….but for so many of us, especially myself, it is simply more.

It is a new way of seeing myself and seeing all women. It is feeling truly appreciated, loved and attractive for the first time in many, many, years. It is realizing that the tiniest woman can pack a huge punch and that the girl with the big wide hips can roll like a freight train. It is getting compliments from people who are not trying to sleep with me or trick me into buying anything. It is getting support from people who want to see me succeed as a blocker and also as a person. It is understanding that a good pack is often made up of many sizes and shapes. It is being praised for knowing how to use my big ass strategically to defend a fellow teammate when she is trying to score points. It is wearing tighter clothes, brighter colors and more daring cuts. It is not being afraid of revealing that version of me that been hidden under oversized clothes for far too many years.

It is pride…in not only what my body looks like…but what it can do. It is proudly answering “Torrid” when someone asks me where I bought my dress….instead of “I forget”. It is learning that my body can be an incredible thing of beauty, even at a size 16-18.