Measured

I consider myself a fairly confident woman. I have worked hard to accept myself. Worked harder to love myself. And I walk pretty tall.

I have hips & curves. Smooth lines and bumps. I have stretch marks but blemish free skin too. I have a round belly but hips that match.

Thing is...sometimes I can still forget all of that. Some days I forget myself and fall back into old habits. Usually, something that can be referred to as a trigger will send me into these negative spirals. Today it was a fashion trigger. Today I was measured.

Knowing your measurements is pretty much mandatory if you want to order clothing online. You can think you know your size but each company seems to have their own opinion on what equates a 0 or a 2X, so check their size charts to your measurements and you should be able to order yourself a great fitting item. However taking my measurements this morning to double check before ordering a magnificent dress triggered all sorts of shaming feelings towards my size.

I definitely don't want to use this as a forum to talk about those negative feelings but simply just acknowledge that it happened.  It will happen again. It happens to all of us.
Somehow this is part of our contemporary lives.
For me it is body shamming, but for someone else it could be a different physical feature, a personality characteristic, a work related habit...

Right now the most important thing is for me to recognize that it was a moment and that it will pass. In the end I can like myself once again & remember all the things I am proud of & enjoy when I see myself. Even just writing this post & knowing that at least a few of you will know exactly what I mean, encourages the moment to fade.

Full of... Courage?

Lately I've been wondering - how much is enough?

How much confidence is enough? Do I just need a little more... or a lot?
There are body acceptance movements, of varying types that I have been exploring mostly as a voyeur thus far.

Blogger & fashionista, Jessica Kane recently had a 'full body shot' campaign, accompanied by a contest to liberate us bigger gals to take a full body photograph of ourselves.  A daunting feat for any self conscious woman, so an interesting concept to tackle with plus sized readers.  The response was  fantastic from both women & retailers with Jessica receiving 1100 entries.  She will be drawing the winner's today.
I love Jessica's blog & have been thinking about this idea of empowering someone to love themselves & physically SHOW the world all there is to love.  Writing a plus size fashion/lifestyle blog has forced me in front of a camera and instead of just the (as my husband calls them) 'myspace portraits' I used to take & use as profile pictures I have to think of myself in a more 4x6 format... full body, outfit pictures.

A typical Emma portrait from back in the MySpace days...

Moving from close up to 'wide format' (ok that pun was totally intentional) takes guts.. bravery... courage! So I must have some, right??

Bah!! Wide Lens!!

But about 10 seconds after a blog post goes up, the self doubt kicks in. So clearly, not THAT brave.
Sometimes the posts don't even go live because once I see the photos on the screen I think 'now THAT was a bad outfit decision'! So clearly, not that much courage.


Another body acceptance movement I stumbled on was, funnily enough (& not at all a coincidence given my choice of wording) on tumblr*.  There are tons of accounts just there to promote beauty of one kind or another... be it very specific, (fuckyeahchubbyfashion or tattooed & chubby ) or just open to positivity (lovethechub or Curvy is the new black ).
I really dig the idea that girls can just go & post a picture of themselves from when they felt fabulous! In fact both my friend Vanessa & I have done it!

Hot Vanessa-ness

Not only is it accessible & easy to have a 'feel good' moment, but your fellow tumblrs are right there, supporting you through it & cheering you on (in the form of reblogs & likes... tumblr lingo but sweet all the same).

This isn't a post with any resolution, or even a glaring insight. It is strictly a post of me rambling about something that has been on my mind a lot lately, something I am trying to examine about myself.  When do you know that you have enough courage? How do you test bravery?

I will keep you up to date if there are any further developments or acts of bavery.

Stay fabulous....

Em


*I should warn you right now that not all of tumblr is safe for work, familiy viewing etc. Anyone can post images & thoughts about whatever they would like. Please use your own discreation.